!HELLO SAAAAY.

THE WRITTEN WORD

Friday, July 23, 2004, 9:32 PM

why.... am i here anyway? ^simple. cosh u haf nowhere else to go.

wouldn't you try to
smile.. scare away the dark clouds?
wouldnt u try to.
just fuck off?

lols. no poetry comin in, no photographs, no pah n no bahh so wot's life anyway. wot's life when i do not enjoy living, maybe it's just my problem, or do i feel more tired and more burdened as i walk through every passing day? sounds stupid, but maybe talkin to you might help. maybe just listenin ur voice wud help. maybe seeing you will make things ok.

alison just signed in. her nick is: what's so scary about death?
i find death scary. it's normal. i think the scary things bout death includes, leaving your loved ones, forgettin every bit of memory you haf held so tightly to, losing the ability to love and care like how u wud want to. and just.... dying.

haha comma i feel damn cham now. no exact reason. when chu chu asked me whetha i can cry anymore, shockingly the ans is no. i cant cry anymore. my tear glands must be so frequently used in the past that it's malfunctionin now. in fact i used to cry almost everyday, give or take. i regret sayin that cryin so much sucks in the past. feelin like cryin, yet not being able to is even worse.

im typin this with such indifference, it's scary. the way i stare at the screen and watch the letters appear, forming words which don't really make sense to me... like im watching a video of someone else's screwed up life. haarh. that sounds damn dramatic. it is.

i used to think that. i used to think that the mask-is-covering-me-up-i-cant-show-my-true-feelings is so crappy. so AA, in zt n qz's terms. well im a freakin AA-er so sue me. not like u'll be bothered to. just label me all over, alright?
great. now i understand. u dun cover urself with a mask, the mask covers you. at first u enjoy it, knowing ppl wun understand how ur feeling, till you crave care and concern.. and understanding, you want it off. oh so sad. the mask doesnt come off. you don't grieve. you don't smile anymore. your face is caked with indifference. you know it. you don't want it. you hate it. you cant help it.

yipidee. i just cried. why? ezekiel's ankles and the ay he walks reminds me of suwei. lols. if feels good to cry. haha.