OKAY HI,YOU,DRINK THIS ALL IN.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
THE WRITTEN WORD
Wednesday, November 30, 2005, 8:08 AM
whack him la
who is he
tell me
i help you
lol
want not
i very fierce one
i can be your part time boyfriend
.LOLS later you'd go, 'i was jking' agn!hehs dont think i dontknow
hahha you know me too well
but if really need, i might help
you whr got fierce. he didnt do anything wrong lols
whack for whaat.
of course i'm fierce la
you dont know only
the keywords 'MIGHT"
cause i only show girls the beautiful side of me
okay i will help
uhhm youre not fierce but NOT BEAUTIFUL EITHAAR!HEHS
EEE!
you!
__________
wthh is a parttime boyfriend.LOLS
hrms. two minutes &he got me laughing agn
he got me asking myself,
___________________________________________?
.
hem haww.i dont hve e answer to the question.
i had my reasons for not telling(im sayin this,cus im still feeling lyk im
in the wrong for not telling) because.you'd be unhappy
if you knew wht i was going on bout in the prev entry(mainly, rubbish)
AND
i didnt want anyone unhappy.
simple as tht. maan someone,arrest me(for not wanting you to be unhappy).
heck,if i knew such a big hooha'd happen, i'd hve just said.
NVRMINDS.you dont care bout it anyway.
glad you had it all out in the open!
i feel awfully childish.jeeezums.
sheesh nth like a silly/amusing primary skl friend i guess!
if youre reading, THANKS DOOD"D
it's about the things you'd never want to know about
i'm all about the things you'd never want to know about
(that,you should already know by now)
okayokay..fine.so i was disappointed, &i'm a disappointment too.
but tht doesn't matter no more because hurray
im just so good at getting people to hate me.
now they can start
a ihateyiting club.
the amount of members are increasing so rapidly
that the numbers are a running blur.
i do not not care
the last time i listened to the dialtone,i distinctly rmbr being so happy
i could hardly fall asleep.(tht was in uhhms,May last year).this time,
the exact opposite. but twas almost hypnotic,how it's supposed to
be the same,but sounds so different each time.
the dialtone really sounds different every
single. time
, 5:17 AM
im starting to remember
how it was before......
sentosa.
yes am aware tht it's a
path that has just sprouted out of nowhere which
i'm placing both feet,&the rest of me, on
;with everything about it unknown.whr it leads to,
whtevrs tht lies ahead.
dont you know,tht's wht i like so much about it.
i might be wrong.it might be a wrong decision,but
tht's wht i like so much about it.
i want to be so,so wrong.
_________________________
edit}0129am 011205.hello,december.
YOU KNOW WHAT WORLD.ive been a dodobird when
i was typing this entry
-pounds at del key
I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.CAN YOU HEAR ME WORLDD
i !do !not !believe !in !love .
Tuesday, November 29, 2005, 3:04 AM
tears hve threatened to fall out of my eyes for.
____(insert random double digits) times,
i can feel this desperation in me.the laugh that
sounds too loud and eager, anger which comes & goes at the flick of
the wrist.im experiencing emotions at their extremes,
what does that mean?wht does that make me.
i swear,everything about me is wrong. nothing i do'd help.
wrongwrong wrong.
if someone blogs bout sth like this,i'd be the first to
object to the crap he/she's saying. becus.well.
two words, inferiority complex. simply because no one
is completely rotten,everyone has good traits in em :tht's humans for you.
but. now, with all the might i can muster i use to believe tht im a lost cause.
tht's pretty sad..it's incorrect to think so, but it's the
only, i repeat, only thing tht i believe in now.
the only thing tht i believe in now is incorrect too.
what can i say.
it's a growing list .
what i want now the most is to wake up and find myself
in place whr nobody knws me,whr everyone still loves everyone
my art's on an all time low,(it's one of the things i cant stand the most)
i believe it's partly due to the fact tht thrs nothing bout me to be
expressed anymore, i'm on an all time low.
thrs no reason, no excuse for me to be feeling wht im
feeling now.wait a second,am i saying tht
i need a reason to be feeling wht im feeling?
slaps self.
hits self.
the tears are on it agn
wht the hell they won't fall anyway. theyll be
thr sometimes, but they wont fall because i wont show.
harry potter movie.was my past a lie too. i dedicated so much
of myself to..being a fool? he who should not be named's supp to be so much
so much more a monster than tht.with a presence so vile it can strike
fear in everyone's hearts.instead, he has a noseless lump of flesh also known as his face
(not to mention a voice which i'd expect someone in pain to hve)
but then again, wht do i knw
wht do i hve.a past which ive partially forgotten about.
please. give me this time,allow me to mock at myself.
whts wrong now.you were the one who signed into blogger,
&chose to start typin. don't hide now,you want them to know,so tell them.
whr's your heart.show it to them. cracks and crevices in all their glory
yet it's shamelessly beating, still. after all that,youre still
shamelessly living.
i know; i know tht well.
i hate myself. i know i hate myself.
now you know too.you know i hate myself.
EDIT:0252am
it made me laugh:
witnessing the duel between my mom,
lizard1 &lizard2, heavens she managed to catch em both, hurray!
supermom!
boy was it a workout, (for her, as for me,i was just standing by the side,
clutching my cup with both hands. besides making weird yelping noises when lizard1 was
tryin to make a run for it,of course) she then
threw em both out of the window,AFTER making sure tht no
innocent weirdohh passerby who was hving his stroll about the neighbourhood
happened to walk past beneath our windows.
geesh, them both lizards probably wld come
back soon enough. but thts btr than killing em.
yipedee.
pats you on back for hving lasted tht long an entry.
Sunday, November 27, 2005, 10:28 PM
CANT BELIEVE THT IM THE
takes in breath sharply
LAST ONE TO KNW!plusss SHE'S MISSING
OUT ON MY BDAY CHALET-stabs at gwuns
stab.stab. stab stab
think she's feeling guilty bout it
NVM!IT'S OKAY.family's more impt.
false bravado.
HEHS
las vegas really is a pretty place with
shiny lights.too bad thrs just so much of it tht kids
our age can't gain access to.
it's okay,rmbr to enjoy yourself!hahah just dont do it agn NXT YRR
we'll miss youu;lols
but then agn:WHOOOHOO!;D (whoohoo for e 2611 part, not e latter,RAHHR)
uhhm WAIT.rmbr wht we said bout the whole couple thing.
goshh wht if they take lyk,
TWENTYFIVE YRS TO BREAK UP(or NEVER?!)
then i'll nvrr be a girlfriend at ANY
point of my life
LOLOLOL don't mind me
get high on life,not ice
(nahh just some promotion for ahDance hehs)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005, 12:41 AM
newsflash.
i bought nailpolish tday.NAILPOLISH.
helluu. nailpolish, in simpler terms means,
something for yiting to chip at when she is
feeling slightly bored.urhhm like, a pasttime
hrmms
wthh
SO.why! did! i! buy! it.
{ - { .s t r a. i ned. . n g e - she's imagination she thanked heaven says:
LOLS dontknow!it's like twofifty only,korean stuff AND IT'S SO BIMBOTIC my goodness the kind you'd stare at in a train.
{ - { .s t r a. i ned. . n g e - she's imagination she thanked heaven says:
yes sure ill show you, but i hve this feelin tht youll all go EWW
cus it's seriously like. pink. pink/red, like. solid pink cherry. glitter.
{ - { .s t r a. i ned. . n g e - she's imagination she thanked heaven says:
lets just say it's not sth tht someone sane'd wear
i can't believe myself.lols but tht's besides the point,
i bought four hairpins for threebucks today
it's like, blackwhite, &with weird prints but thts why i bought
em, (besides the fact tht cus i liked em, &am in need of hairpins)
i dont think tht many would buy em, so tht's a plus.
you dont really give a damn bout wht i bought tday.right.
LOLS but tht's all tht ive bought!jeeez i comtemplated buying
a abercrombie & fitch tee but couldnt decide so i didnt
in the end(you know,i think i'll head back soon to get it).... ramble ramble...rambles on...rambling
lololol
(i think i can hear some of you screaming in agony already)
-ignores screams of agony
the shirt..ramble ramble..
oh.kay you, yes, it's okay to stop reading now,
if you haven't already stopped. WHAT SORT OF ENTRY IS THIS
the end/
Monday, November 21, 2005, 12:51 AM
HELLUU
strangely i feel rather lightheaded tday
like i can't really think/speak properly
sighh i have been waking up early recently
HRMMS must be due to that
.i once thought tht i hve no talents whtsoevr.then
after giving it some thought,i changed my mind &thought
that i am quite a jack of all trades.
but then
again sometimes i feel like im not even that,
that i know nothing at all. that, too, has some
truth in it.i hve my interests, but it doesn't necessarily
mean tht i am wellversed in whtevr which im interested in.
then again i lack the enthusiasm &willpower, tht passion
to learn new things &constantly upgrade myself LOLS
WHO IS THIS TYPING.aint i just the splitting image of a
retrenched,middle aged man.
tonight(i feel as if) life is brimming with hope in places
whr you often overlook,in pockets &corners where you
can reach if you just give that bit of effort.
SOMETHING ABOUT ME
i constantly feel like i hvta change myself to please
everyone,even more often i'd feel like slapping myself for
the desire to please someone.
then again im not a peoplepleaser. usually when im..pissed
i'd say things which i know'd get on your nerves.
even so,i'm too conscious of the things i say,
&the effects they hve on people. you'd be surprised,
i knw almost exactly how you'd feel if you heard a
certain something, like,ANYTHING. i can pinpoint your reaction
bfor you even react aft hearing this, or that.
it's not something i do
on purpose, but it's strange how i do take note of stuff
like tht;unconsciously. goes to an extent whr i'll
interrupt others when theyre bout to say sth which i know
will affect you negatively/piss you off. it's tiring really,
hving to witness the way your face'd fall when i can't stop
certain words from reaching your ears in time. usually i'd even feel
the way you feel.weird huhh.
('your', 'you' refers to..everyone. unless youre someone whom
i hate so bad,someone tht i'd want to hurt.well,nobody like that now)
it's queer you know, &draining.LOLS hrmms dont get me wrong
it's not like
PREMONITIONS,far from it.just sth tht comes to you easily aft youve
been studying a person over a period of time.
i'm sure tht some people around are like me too.
WELLS im tired now. tht was a whole load to digest.
spent the whole day out tday
..devastating but i know you wont give up
trying girl;D i believe in you
&am very proud of you
Sunday, November 20, 2005, 1:12 AM
tomorrow
,is time out
She had heaven and she held on so tight
.camwhore camwhore.because i left myself,
in hopes of leaving you behind.
series?
SERIES!(dont worry if you dont get a single
word ive said,thts perfectly normal)
i feel drunk, why did i say tht since
ive never been drunk, well it must
feel something like this.
jingle bells.
Saturday, November 19, 2005, 11:40 PM
SUNSHINE SIDES AND LIFE. until we get sick of our.deaths &live once more
all! for!inspiration.
!
, 2:07 AM
you know what? dont get too near
or get to know me
unless
you trust me.
dont offer to love me or to care for me.
to sing for me or to hold my hand.i dont trust myself that much.
now, tht wasnt very comforting,was it.
it is well, quite apparent that im not in the best of moods
now.IMAGINE knowing tht i'd be waking up at like. 0855 tmmrs.
for 0900 tuition. why dont you just take away my wangwang.(FYI i've
just scarfed down my entire packet of wangwang.
cravings,bloohey) so actually,thrs no wangwang for you to take away from me.
NO WONDER you want me to hve tuition tmmrs.
well. i'm sure that thr is still some of the scrumptious tidbit which
is churning in my tummy right now.(in the form of chyme HAIL THE BIO STUDENT)
glogloglog. what are you doing, HOLDING THAT SCAPEL LIKE THAT.
why dont i just get you 2381817851408750840packets of wangwang tmmrs?
what am i doing what am i typing
HOW CAN I PUT THIS ACROSS WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE
SOME ANGSTY TEENAGE WRECK
it! is! simply! not! possible!
, 1:51 AM
i know tht i'm achieving more recently
YET I FEEL LESS CONFIDENT IN WHTEVR I DO
whyy. less and less and less.utterly defeated. struck down.
have you ever felt like youre trying too hard(&are already tired of trying)
yet when youre not even trying
stranger and stranger.
i want an end to this thr MUST be
an end to this, some end. why can't i feel good
about something why can't i be a happier
person,it's all in the mind it's all in
the mind WHY IS THIS IN MY MIND
what happens when all you want to know
cannot be revealed to you
what happens then.
heavens. i am so unhappy.
Friday, November 18, 2005, 1:44 AM
i want to sit here &just sit here till someone comes by
till someone asks, 'would you mind if i sat here too'
i wouldnt say yes i wouldnt say no but someone will
understand that i can't say the words
that i cannot say.
i want to.
something more grounded:
im quite happy about the danceworks dance
i really hope something
would come out of this im usually happy when
i dance, i'd spend the whole time thinking
bout nothing else
&would just be feeling my way through.
hahah i think when i read wht ive blogged tday tmmrs
ill lmao cus im like sleeptyping now is thr such a thing
nvm bout that.too tired
i woke up at like eleven tday?!sheesh so early it's
a miracle tht im still awake now ,ill be back here agn tmmrs i think bye.
, 1:14 AM
I feel like I'm slowly, slowly, slowly slipping under
I feel like I'm holding onto nothing
She wore lemon to colour in the cold grey night
She had heaven and she held on so tight
And I feel like I'm drifting, drifting, drifting from the shore
And I feel like I'm swimming out to her
i feel like I was falling right in
front of her
her fingers limp her eyes remorseful
; she pulled me right out
&but drown i still did, within bubbles.
to choke on air.
I feel like I'm losing everyone dear to me,they couldn't
sense me dying,i'm letting them go,they
didn't see this coming.
fuck you. fuck you for letting me leave you just like that.
She had heaven and she held on so tight
Thursday, November 17, 2005, 1:44 AM
i want to sit here &just sit here till someone comes by
till someone asks, 'would you mind if i sat here too'
i wouldnt say yes i wouldnt say no but someone will
understand that i can't say the words
that i cannot say.
i want to.
something more grounded:
im quite happy about the danceworks dance
i really hope something
would come out of this im usually happy when
i dance, i'd spend the whole time thinking
bout nothing else
&would just be feeling my way through.
hahah i think when i read wht ive blogged tday tmmrs
ill lmao cus im like sleeptyping now is thr such a thing
nvm bout that.too tired
i woke up at like eleven tday?!sheesh so early it's
a miracle tht im still awake now ,ill be back here agn tmmrs i think bye.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005, 8:05 PM
get up and
let me see you
work it
get up and.move
,on your feet now
life is sane.
&..well, tamed nowadays
i tend to say some things i dont mean,but well
they usually are things(at least, i feel) tht
hve to be said. so i just say them.
ohh..kay i cant seem to find the right words for this.
ONEMORERANDOMFACTABOUTME
it's important to me to put down the correct time
down to the very minute
when i publish my post.(so even if i do some
last minute additions, like THIS for example,
i'd change the time agn later)
quirky eyy.
this entry is absolute bull.well
at least its mine.
Monday, November 14, 2005, 11:30 PM
i want this to all go away i want this to all go away i want thi
YOU KNOW WHAT.
i dont know.
WHO IS THIS.
you? me. okay the thing is,i can't really decide.
GEEE TALKING TO MYSELF SUCKS. figures.
ohh &i need to head out to snap some pictures soon
models, attention!heh.
my PSP is thr, bored and expiring.
realization gave me a thump
on the head. uhhm many thumps.
we re very much alike. im bored, thr, and expiring too.
now i dont see how i can recreate the scene in my head.in my head
it looks wonderful thrfore i know
i wont be satisfied with wht i end up with.fuck. i dont usually cuss much so get off my case.
tonight .
tonight, i really hate myself i want this night to end
as painlessly as possible so: im turning in early tonight.(yeah right)
EDIT
1241
okay maybe aft talkin on msn this day isnt thaat bad
but then. it's not this day anymore.
it's a new day.
good morning!"D
gotta catch some sleep,
the perkiness has got to go
Sunday, November 13, 2005, 9:55 AM
I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past
Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart
Another love before my time
Made your heart sad an' blue
And so my heart is paying now
For things I didn't do
In anger unkind words are said
That make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart
There was a time when I believed
That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled
To a memory
The more I learn to care for you
The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart
yous mes Is hers which is which(?)
i think, the worst thing i can ever do now is to say that
i'm sorry
.
ive been horrible tday ive said hurtful things
that i dont really mean, but you see,that's for the better.
i think.
OHH..KAY.
it's late, im out
Thursday, November 10, 2005, 12:53 AM
so kiss me & smile for me
tell me that youll wait for me
hold me like youll never let me go
thr's so many times ive let you down so many times ive played around
ill tell you now they dont mean a thing. every place i go, i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
tell me youll wait for me
it's twelvefortytwo in the morning not a good time to be thinking
silly things.i need a distraction, anything
why am i still thinking bout him(please dont get on my case for this)
UGHH that's the catch,
why am i even thinkin about him!?heavens i piss myself off so much.
by the way michael if youre reading this
PLS
STOP
CALLING ME
how many calls has it been. i didnt answer
a
single
one.
CLUE!?
why the hell are you doing this thrs nothing to talk about,period.
(sorry for putting you guys through this,but i cant think of any
other way i do not want to reply the smses,
&no way am i answering the calls.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005, 11:02 PM
the doors keep opening(at least
i think they are)
my vision jerked instantaneously
two gazes (one for each eye,they
prefer to be referred to as
individuals) trained on the door(which always is closed,by the way)
i was always wrong.
but i
,somehow , still
have this need to hide.
drifting(?)
actually i do care.im supposed to. well i always had.
why,it's..wrong not to.
so yeah i do. uh..care. tastes weird on my tongue
because i haven't been saying it much.obviously.
on some days, i even feel my feet leave my ankles, crying
as they walk out, into closed doors.(heey look at how the feet cries here)
on some days, i even feel my feet leave my ankles crying
as they walk out, into closed doors.(notice how ankles cries here.
read 'leave my ankles crying' as a whole.
manipulated by just the placing of the comma!I THINK IM slightly insane tonight)
plid plod.
hohumm
as each day passes you wont understand me,more and more.
until you don't want to,no, not anymore
as each day passes i wont understand you, more and more.
until i don't want to,no, not anymore
isn't that just. so scary.
well in my opinion, it is.
name five weird facts about me
(hrmms thank you JINGHUI BUT THRS NTH WEEEIRD ABOUT ME)
1) hahah sometimes i obviously dont mean what i say. look at bracketed above.
2) i cried(quite terribly;\)when my
primarysix chinese tchr called me a cheater
when she caught me cheating during chinese spelling.(book sticking out from under the table,
talk about loser techniques heh)
3) my handphone is out of battery now.
4) the first guy i've ever fancied in my life 's name is joel. kindergartenone.
5) in front of people im seriously comfortable with, i laugh this fake-sounding
opera-ish screech laugh.
great, jh!now no one will want me to get comfortable around em HAHAH
right,before i forget, happy birthday hj!
SEE,PEOPLE DO REMEMBER hehs
(0911)
things
(58minutes before twelveoh'.)
Friday, November 04, 2005, 7:31 PM
schdental:check!
dance:check!
now thrs monday's practice to dread, especially when there's
this audition held by this dance tchr whom we
dont know....apparently she has choreographed our
danceworks steps. on monday,she'll teach us
&do the selection immediately.
laoshi makes outside tchrs sounds so..weell. intimidating
like, 'yall btr be able to rmbr the steps once she teaches
she wont be repeating herself all the time like me'
ughh scary;cant seem to catch dance routines fast enough
tomorrow's saturday.
okay; tired
yi ting, out
Thursday, November 03, 2005, 8:57 PM
heyho!ive learnt a new word today
dilettante.
doesnt it just look so pretty.
lols dont ask me why or how but the
word just sparked sth
'is she very sad very in pain or something gosh is she DEPRESSED'
no, no &no. nothing of the sort
either you read ¬ judge me based on
a few lines ive typed, or dont read at all (i think im thinking too much)
I LOVE THE WORLD TODAY(except for dentists, &well, some particular dance teachers)
my dilettantish efforts at
capturing something as sheer as you
in a fourwalled box
pigmented black to prevent the internal reflection of light(the many
mysteries of the, choroid layer)
your beautiful beautiful blue eyes
never knew a part of them were black inside
such fools should not exist?
but they do, both eyes,
two hollowed holes wouldn't look quite right on your
beautiful beautiful face.
but i am a fool, mad lover of art
through squinted vision, i see you &oh, you are
as beautiful as how i remembered you to be
in my memories i remember you, the way
your smile ignites your foolish eyes, your
awkward fumbling
fingers ¬hing else, that skin.
why would i remember anything but you?
how i imagined you to be less,
;the many yesterdays we shared
;the number of tomorrows decreasing in number i will savour slowly with a
raspy whisper.what happened to the
future you. urhhm. never actually gotten to promise me-
enough of your transgressions, my love
enough of my love, you are born a transgression
yourself you might see many repeated words, for
these words i cannot seem to forget "wait,
wait for me
for i'll be back, please wait for me"
the plea in my voice
echoed in increasing tenacity in your arms,
i truly believed you will. (i mean, wait for me)
(the following paragraph will take quite an amount of visualization,
&no, these bracketed words are not part of the writing)
many days and nights ive scoured the streets
weary, drained, and
well, desperate to see you a second time
my neighbour's twelve year old fell to his knees
&cried for me when he saw my face
,bleeding wet with tears.
i then, sat down beside him
we tripped many people with our outstretched legs
,people who walk by
pretending to not see the two figures' shoulders
heaving with sobs
i told him bout how i used to
trace the laughlines on your face, 'like this', stroking his
dirtstreaked knees with a finger so that he'd
understand my hurt better
i admitted, sheepishly, to the twelveyearold that
touching your face never failed to make me smile
&i never stopped loving you,
despite the many things i said.
the twelveyearold, nameless like many people i know, (credit goes to my
incredibly picky memory)
cried some more, took his shirt off &showed me
a long thin crack, so very slight but still visible: the first to
run through his otherwise, immaculate heart
my words,
my words they broke his heart
words, they are merely words
but still i am,
in search of my love ;for he is waiting for me
they are merely words, &you are not waiting
because you didnt hear me(?)
due to me not having a loud enough voice
my plea went unheard your ears are full of her
voice that high sweet melody which she sings
which I hear whenever I hold your head near mine
her words,
they stream out of your ears
into a slow, seductive siren's croon
it's my fault, always has been, never yours
due to the fact that she's more petite
prettier
sweeter than me
due to.?
i dont know what, soon i'll leave you
&forget that ive ever cared.
now brace yourself
i dont know what, i'll leave you soon anyway
&forget that ive ever cared.
, 1:33 PM
picture by me
model: yongzhi
personally, i love this
enjoy, &comment please
p.s.click on picture to view it big
<3love
Tuesday, November 01, 2005, 5:31 PM
many hellos ; halloween which has passed so fast
why, pain :you should have stayed for tea
i could say
that's an old picture i found,
of my grandma when she was getting married.
HEHS no lies, that's me playing dress-up when i was
years younger. or was it for a relative's wedding?
can't really remember
maybe you see yourself in me
..stranger? maybe you are
the witness to so many changes
this is november. you might have met her
before in the third drawer
containing your fading memories
say hello to unrequited love, november.