!HELLO SAAAAY.

THE WRITTEN WORD

Saturday, December 10, 2005, 2:33 AM

i'm tired of hvin to sound happy,look happy
being happy.
no,it is not a pretense.
but somehow it feels as if once
youve shown others tht youre finally okay,
theyll hve the impression tht youre
staying tht way. tht's a beautiful impression
&sth wonderful to believe in
;i don't want to be e one spoiling it.
because you don't want to hve someone
crumpling into a heap in your arms,do you,when
you can see their eyes lighting up instead
i want to see smiles on the faces of my
loved ones.i take comfort in the fact tht
theyre full of joy. i'd hate to see em upset.tht'd
get me upset.
same goes for you too.you might say otherwise,
but the same goes for everyone.you would want
to see me happy too..i do not wish to dampen your spirits..
therefore........... even in
depths of the night when i feel unsure of
everything i hve,everything i think i am
tht desperation to hang on to wht i used to hve,
&hve already lost.
the regret tht sting my eyes,still
,when my thoughts wander back to the present
to whr gladness
of the hearts is yet tangible
......i do not show.tht'd be too selfish. showing would mean
sobbing.e sobbing
would go on for years and years. i hve no tears.
BECAUSE i'm nitpicking,am i not.. i knw tht..im nitpicking when some
hve it worse off than me.
but this wall of confusion
which i might hve built around myself using my own hands
..fingers with the scratched remains of gaudy pink polish
(with all the might i can muster
,i use to think tht i amalostcause)
i cannot take it down alone.i am simply..powerless
against it.against my own mind.
i cannot take it down with
anyone else present,because no one else knows the power
it has over me. i do not intend to allow tht.

that is a lot to digest,you don't hve to bother.
..at night i type particularly verbose entries
the nightsre the worst..
when my mom looks at me in the way she looked at me,
it brings tears to my eyes
one (long-awaited)day i'll feel better.
this is only temporary.
i suddenly miss joanne deardearcousin a lot a lot
see you on monday love

sometimes ignoring it would trick you into believing that
such pain is not there.in the presence of smiles &laughter
such pain simply does not exist.it simply cannot.right?
then again,tht is ,too,only temporary.