!HELLO SAAAAY.

THE WRITTEN WORD

Friday, December 23, 2005, 11:30 AM

you shd hve seen her face
she called me out to scream at me
not to talk.no not to talk
so we had a screaming match.i did well(thr was
room for improvement)
but she was better.
suddenly on her face was incriminating
evidence
as plain as day i could read
'i love your brother more than
i love you.you knw wht,i dont really love you to begin with'
off her face.
mygodohmygodoh my
her face changed she started tellin me off
about sth else,dredged frm the past
just to distract me frm
whtevr ive seen in her
whtevr.i cudnt really hear her
can't listen nothing else
can't speak properly my sobs
drowned her voice out can't hear nothing else
i wanted so much to ask 'do you love him more
than you love me'but my voice broke(being the
crap tht i am)
thick with tears so
i walked into my room &sat myself down
minutes later i scribbled words on a paper
dripdripdrippp- &started taking pictures
of my tearstains.
she came into my rm &asked me why i
walked off,so i said
'bcus you were obviously on
his side.thr was nth to say anymore.'
she said if she was,why didnt i say so,instead of walkin of like tht
'bcus you were shouting at me too loudly.i cudnt
get a word in.'
'you dont talk to us anymore.you spend most of your time
using the computer.on photog.smsing. going out
with your friends.
actually im starting to not knw you anymore'
'but sometimes thrs just.......nothing to talk about really.'
but in the end
she:sorry, okay. im sorry,'re you happy now?
no no no im not happy
bcus by apologizing youre unknwingly ADMITTIN IT
don't admit it,tell me tht i am wrong.show me tht
im wrong in thinking so.
.BUT I CUDNT SAY IT.lord,
i cry too much.

im relyin too much on people now i
can feel it.
n
e
e
d
y
.how sorely disappointed i was
when it felt like i had no one no one no one no one
to talk to.i dialled some numbers.
even if thr is someone, i can't even answer e
question 'wht happened?'
why're you cryin so badly?
the tiff?with my mom.but no,it's not just
tht.i was crying so badly as if someone just died
for crap'ssake.
the tiff simply topped things off,
wait,topped WHAT off?
i dtknw.i dtknw how to begin.im not
sure if i even knw it myself.
it is disgusting i am disgusting to even hve
felt disappointment bcus it isnt your faults bcus hell,wht
am i saying;wht was i expecting?
someone to swoop down frm godknwswhr &make me
feel all better?
i can do this by myself.get better alone.
it's not that bad being alone,it's not that bad.

my dad knws nothing bout it(i think)
so when he spoke to me just now
i replied in my usual way of replyin him
my voice;against the silence it sounds
so full of cheer
i smiled at him &all.i wonder if it looked genuine enough.
yknw,pretendin tht im fine doesnt
take much effort at all.
in fact,it's starting to become.
so.easy.

you effin hypocrite.
since
you can sound okay
look like youre okay
i dont giv a fuck if youre not okay.